It was a waking dream ~ a vision of sorts that emerges from the subconscious when awake too long or when sleep is disturbed or prolonged. It was vivid, and it conveyed a clear picture: As a family, we’d only survive and succeed if I could create a business where they could all have a place and that would survive me.

I had similar feeling almost 20 years ago. My mother was aging and alone, living several hours away from me. It would be nice, I thought, if she could live near us. She could be close to the kids and offer support; I could put her on payroll to occasionally handle paperwork, answer calls ~ whatever came up.

The contract was in jeopardy almost as soon as I secured it. I managed to find a way into a niche role in a huge program that was just peaking like a wave ready to crash. In that time, my mother relocated to within maybe 10 miles of us while I was worrying we would lose everything in the failed venture. Eventually she moved back to where she felt at home and I returned to the cubicles.

I’ve been fortunate enough to every so often stumble upon some opportunity, but I’ve lacked the luck or skill to see any of them grow past their childhoods. Personal matters, the economy, unforseen circumstances, … If one was looking for a message, surely it was presented several times in triplicate. Still, the notion persists.

As for the vision? It’s largely a rehashing of all of the above. My son is handicapped. My daughter is a teacher. Her husband is an actor. My wife has been a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom and a caregiver for my son. I try to be at home as much as I can and still keep the ship afloat. It’s challenging ~ more challenging as time moves forward.

I began to rationalize: I got my daughter through college. My son has already lived longer than we might have expected almost 15 years ago. My wife is ageless, talented, and has an extraordinary network of friends. Maybe, just maybe, I’d accomplished what I needed to do…

However unrealistic the notion that I might be somehow instrumental in a last-minute win to secure their futures, maybe it’s the notion that’s necessary to supplant the darker thought of simple surrender ~ who knows? It could be an angel disguised as terror to keep me moving forward.

I’ve lived long enough to see the folly of planning and the routine errors in what I believed or in my own importance in any matter. My conscious mind says to not dwell, to ignore it. But if it’s a matter of creating my own hope and finding a new purpose, maybe it’s worth exploring…

Time passes either way. We’ll see where it leads.